The Regal Rules for Girls Read online

  THE

  Regal Rules

  FOR Girls

  THE

  Regal Rules

  FOR Girls

  How to find love,

  a life—and maybe even

  a lord—in London

  JERRAMY FINE

  BERKLEY BOOKS,

  NEW YORK

  BERKLEY BOOKS

  Published By The Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) • Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL,

  England • Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin

  Books Ltd.) • Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) • Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community

  Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India • Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive,

  Rosedale, Auckland 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) • Penguin Books

  (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  This is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

  Copyright © 2012 by Jerramy Fine.

  A continuation of this copyright page appears on page 305.

  Cover design by Sarah Oberrender.

  Cover photos: woman with tea / Image Source / Getty Images.

  Book design by Tiffany Estreicher.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  BERKLEY is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PUBLISHING HISTORY

  Berkley trade paperback edition / July 2012

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Fine, Jerramy Sage, date.

  The regal rules for girls / by Jerramy Fine.

  p. cm.

  ISBN: 978-1-101-58114-8

  1. Etiquette for girls—Great Britain.

  2. Dating (Social customs)—Great Britain. I. Title.

  BJ1857.G5F56 2012

  395.1’44—dc23

  2012005945

  PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  ALWAYS LEARNING

  PEARSON

  If a stolid young Englishman is fortunate enough to

  be introduced to an American woman, he is amazed

  at her extraordinary vivacity, her electric quickness of

  repartee, her inexhaustible store of curious catchwords.

  He never really understands her, for her thoughts

  flutter about with the sweet irresponsibility of

  butterflies; but he is pleased and amused and feels as

  if he were in an aviary.

  —OSCAR WILDE

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  1. Getting There

  2. Language, Manners, and Behavior

  3. London Style

  4. Royal Encounters

  5. How to Catch an Englishman

  6. The Season

  7. Dating

  8. Fake It Till You Make It

  9. Expat Essentials

  Conclusion

  THE

  Regal Rules

  FOR Girls

  INTRODUCTION

  Don’t follow your dreams; chase them.

  —UNKNOWN

  Everyone is constantly telling you how you have so much potential—that you could be a brilliant scientist or a successful attorney or some other esteemed profession that sounds incredibly taxing. But all you really want to do is fall in love with a hot British nobleman, live in his ancestral home, raise adorably polite children, work for a human rights charity, and breed dogs.

  You are so not alone.

  Come on—do you think Kate Middleton really wanted to be an art historian? The cynics among us can complain all they want, but there is no shame in admitting your dream and going after it if deep down that’s what your heart desires. It doesn’t make you silly and it certainly doesn’t make you antifeminist. It’s perfectly possible to have a brain and want a magical English life. So why not use that brain (and your heart) to go after it?

  I’m not going to lie to you. Attaining this particular dream will be difficult. I mean, we can’t all go to college with Prince William and one day marry the future King of England (although believe me, many of us have tried). But there are other ways to make your English fairy tale come true.

  That’s where this book comes in. Consider it your English fairy godmother. Every time you think that moving to England and chasing after titled men with irresistible accents is a harebrained thing to do, every time you’re confused and upset about the hardships of expat life, and every time you’re on the verge of giving up—this book will set you straight. It will help you approach what many deem to be an irrational, reckless goal—in a structured, logical way. Because you know what? I’ve been there. In the last ten years, I’ve cried too many tears, gone through too many work permits, lived in too many flats, squabbled with too many flatmates, drank far too many gin and tonics, and kissed way too many Hugh Grant look-alikes not to learn some valuable lessons along the way. This book will spare you the constant heartache and allow you to enjoy English society without fear of mindless American mishaps.

  This is the British bible I never had but would have killed for. If I could go back in time, this is the book I should have devoured before catching my first dreamy flight to Heathrow. And now it is yours.

  Read it.

  Memorize it.

  Use it.

  And don’t for one single second think that the life you dream of can’t happen.

  Because it can.

  ONE

  GETTING THERE

  I’m sure when you envision yourself embarking upon your future English life, you picture yourself starting out in London. You picture a luxuriously bohemian existence in Notting Hill (perhaps opening a small bookshop); becoming a trendy publishing assistant like Bridget Jones; or applying to be the tea girl for the British prime minister (and ultimately seducing him). Your mind is swimming with all those quirky London flats, cobblestone streets, mansions with glowing windows, and adorably dithery rosy-cheeked Englishmen declaring love to the American girl of their dreams in the rain. (Or at a press conference, in the snow, or on Christmas Eve.)

  Let’s face it: Hugh Grant movies have a lot to answer for. Because although life in London can be as wonderful and as magical as Hollywood portrays, attaining it is not nearly that effortless. Getting to England is easy. Staying there, working there, and living there are other matters entirely. But I promise you, there is hope.

  Virgin Atlantic Is the Easy Part

  I love Virgin Atlantic. Even though you’re packed in
to a cheap economy seat, they try to make you feel like you’re a first-class passenger. Movies on demand, late-night ice cream treats—flying with them is actually a pleasure.

  But even if you plan on sleeping on the plane, try not to approach your flight like one giant slumber party. Sometimes, if you make an effort to wear nice clothes instead of a baseball cap and a comfy velour jumpsuit, Virgin will bump you to upper class—a part of the plane that has its own bar. (With actual stools.) And hey—if you’re looking for a hot, successful, James Bond–type Englishman, you have a pretty good chance of meeting one here, so take it from me—wear your pearls, not your pajamas.

  DON’T FORGET TO PACK:

  US-UK electrical adapters

  pocket-sized London A–Z street atlas (no other London map is worth having)

  Still, as I mentioned before, crossing the Atlantic ocean is the easy part. Getting to England is easy. Staying is the hard part—especially if you want to do it legally. And considering you probably don’t want to be an illegal UK immigrant working on the black market and in constant fear of deportation, I’m guessing you’ll want to do it legally.

  I know what you’re thinking: The days of strict immigration rules are over. The Berlin Wall came down long ago and surely we’re all free to live wherever we want. Right?

  Wrong. Throwing your passport into the sea and becoming a free-moving citizen of the world is sadly not an option. (Believe me, I checked.)

  Many are surprised by this because surely immigration rules aren’t that strict in English-speaking countries. The truth is that they are especially strict in English-speaking countries. In fact, the country where immigration rules are the most rigorous is the country where English was actually invented.

  But doesn’t the UK government realize how much you love England? Don’t they realize how much you belong on English soil? Don’t they care that you understand the rules of hereditary titles or that you can name who is tenth in line to the throne? Aren’t they even the slightest bit impressed that you can name the Commonwealth countries and quote Churchill and Shakespeare and Austen and Brontë until you go blue? What about the fact that you actually know the lyrics to “God Save the Queen”? Or the fact that you genuinely like milky tea, enjoy wearing tweed, and (vaguely) understand the rules of cricket?! Doesn’t this count for anything?

  Sadly not.

  But don’t give up or abandon your mission just because of a few bureaucratic barriers. There are ways through this. (And if it makes you feel any better, despite what the Statue of Liberty would lead many to believe, the United States is not that welcoming to Brits trying to live in America. So essentially, the “special US-UK relationship” is equally useless to all involved.)

  I guess part of the reason the UK is so strict about who can and can’t reside on their sacred isle is just that—they are actually a very, very small island. Let’s not forget that the United Kingdom in total (including England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland) is roughly the size of Idaho. As much as the Brits might like to do so, they simply do not have the physical space to allow every Anglophile on the planet to live there permanently. So you just have to prove to them that you are an über-special, über-talented, über-dedicated, and über-deserving Anglophile.

  The state of Idaho compared to the United Kingdom

  The Home Office

  I’m assuming you already have a passport and I don’t have to talk you through how to get one. Once that’s out of the way, your exciting paperwork journey will begin with the Home Office. Google their site. Bookmark it. And get ready to refer to it more times than you care to remember.

  The Home Office got its name in the same way “Homecoming” got its name in America. The homecoming parade, homecoming dance, and homecoming bonfire are all celebrations to mark the fact that students, alumni, and town residents are coming “home” to watch one of the first football games of the season. This tradition is of course assuming that your high school is the center of the universe and you will never have another “home” quite like it. Similarly, the Home Office was named back when England considered itself to be the center of the universe, and no matter how much of the globe was conquered by the mighty British Empire, “home” would always be in England.

  Despite being based in a well-mannered, orderly country, the service one receives from the Home Office is not particularly helpful. Or friendly. Or particularly efficient.1 So don’t expect American-style customer service, accountability, or transparency when dealing with them. Accept this early on and your frustration levels might drop a bit.

  When it comes to getting yourself to the UK, I’ve narrowed it down to seven different options. Some are easier than others and some are more expensive than others—ultimately, you have to decide what is best for your circumstances and what you’re hoping to achieve once you’ve landed on English shores.

  1. A Student Visa

  This option has the distinction of being both the easiest and the most expensive. It’s the easiest because once you’ve been accepted to a British university to do your master’s or your PhD (or even your BA)—the admissions boards at these schools don’t care too much about your nationality. All they care about is that you have the academic standards required for their specific degree program. So if you’re a bit brainy (and I’m sure you are), this is a superb way to further your education, study something you’re passionate about, and get yourself to England on a student visa. Everyone wins: Your parents are proud, your mind gets challenged, and while you’re there you just might get engaged to an earl.

  There is a drawback to this option, and that’s the price tag. Only a few years ago, college tutition was completely free in the UK. But in the last few years things have changed and now British students pay up to £9,000 per year for college (even for Oxford and Cambridge). Americans will have to pay “overseas tuition”—which is usually double the cost. But hey—this is still a bargain compared to the cost of most graduate degrees in the US.

  What can be expensive is the cost of living in the UK, but luckily the benevolent US government offers reasonably priced loans to nearly all grad students who are US citizens. And those of you with an acceptable credit rating can borrow up to the full cost of attendance—including living and commuting costs—through the federal government’s Grad PLUS program. On top of this, you’re allowed to work in the UK up to twenty hours per week.

  Worst case? You end up in just as much debt as all your American friends in law school or medical school. But you will have the added bonus of also living in England—which surely is worth every penny ten times over.

  I’ll be paying off my own student debt for the next thirty years—but my student loan is what made England possible for me and, in turn, opened up all kinds of opportunities that wouldn’t have been there otherwise—so I don’t regret it for a single, solitary second. I’m not encouraging you to rack up ten credit cards, but you should consider the fact that debt is not always a bad thing if it is the stepping stone that gets you what you want in life and leads you to where you want to be.

  If you’re serious about mixing with the British gentry, where you choose to study and what you choose to study is very, very important. I can’t stress this enough.

  My number one tip for degree-seekers abroad? Avoid London. I know it sounds heartbreaking to come all the way to England and not live smack-dab in its thriving, sparkling capital, but the truth is that most British students (especially ones destined to inherit titles and/or castles) don’t go to university in London. If you want to meet American Ivy Leaguers and scores of European playboys, then a degree in London might suit you. Otherwise, steer clear.

  WHERE TO APPLY:

  St. Andrews (the alma mater of Prince William and Kate Middleton)

  Oxford

  Cambridge (although considered much nerdier than Oxford)

  Edinburgh (full of Etonians!)

  Bristol

  Exeter

  Durham

  Sandhurst Military A
cademy (alma mater of Prince Harry and Prince William,2 and yes, girls can apply)

  FOR THOSE WITH MORE BEAUTY THAN BRAINS, TRY:

  The Royal Agricultural College

  Oxford Brookes

  University of the West of England

  WHEN SELECTING A DEGREE, SAVVY GIRLS WILL CHOSE:

  History of Art

  Agriculture

  Geography

  (Study as you intend to go on: think decorating your big stately home, making the most of your sprawling land, and traveling to exotic places on holiday.)

  If you think any of these universities are out of your league, think again. Top-tier colleges in the US are actually far more selective and academically competitive. One of the biggest myths out there is you need to be a straight A student to get into “Oxbridge”3 and this is categorically not true. British universities are more and more reliant on the higher tuition fees brought in by foreign students like you, and so my hunch is that they tend to be more lax when considering your application. Personally, I’ve yet to meet a single American student that was turned down by their top choice UK university. Perhaps I just hang out with über-intelligent people, or perhaps British universities just really, really like American students. Either way, if you’re a decent student who works hard, don’t let anyone discourage you from applying.

  While three-year BA degrees are the norm in England, Scottish universities, like St. Andrews and Edinburgh, are particularly good options for American students because their undergraduate degrees last four years—giving you more time to strategically settle in your new homeland. Most UK master’s degrees last one year only (half the time of the US equivalent)—which means you must move faster when it comes time to graduate and find a UK job and/or British husband.

  The sad news is that after your degree is finished, your student visa is also finished, which (unless you’re married to an earl by now) technically means you have to go back to America. But don’t fret. You can either get another degree (albeit a bit pricey) or start working toward another one of my visa options.